Remember What You Had Said The Other Day?

 I do.  That's why I still went to Las Vegas, despite what's been going on in my life (another post for another day).  Last weekend, we flew to Nevada, saw family, bought a "time share", and created not only memories, but new, exciting possibilities.  Y'all know me, I didn't take many pictures, still working on that, so please be patient with me.

Our stay was short and bittersweet.  But enjoying each other's company is always the goal, and we definitely achieved that.  Some things didn't go as planned, even before we left Detroit, but that's okay.  That's life.  I've been rolling with the punches since birth, so why would the rolling stop now?   

We've planned another trip to Vegas, where the focus will be just us.  No visiting family, fun and romance only (fingers crossed).  

Vegas is a city full of fun things to do and see.  This was my fourth trip out there, and I still haven't done all the tourist-sy things yet.  I have a list, and it's a must do, not a to do.  I have too many years behind me for to-do lists anymore y'all....

Bellagio Hotel & Casino

GTFO

 and live.  I know this may be a common thread in my posts, but it's what I've been wanting to do and couldn't, because of time, money, procrastination, or all three (geesh).  I would always find a good enough reason not to do the things I've always wanted to.

Birthdays, New Year's Day, a little too much self reflection, would cause me to take inventory, and I was always falling short, never being quite where I thought I should be.  Then comes disappointment and depression.

I have purchased way too many books for motivation, hoping something would thrust me into life, to live it, and be happy.  Feeling whole on my own is what I really want.  Without the kids, without my man (my man thank you to my mannnn...sorry that is stuck in my brain right now, thanks to Tik Tok and Facebook reels haha..), just  me feeling like a whole complete being.  I've known too many black women who say they regret not traveling enough, not smelling enough flowers, not taking enough pictures. Not laughing enough, not feeling pure joy.  No passion, no bliss.

I could continue to blame my roles as wife, mother, grandmother, and care giver, but that shit is so old and tired.  The promises I made in my previous posts still ring true.

I'm just beginning, and I plan on breaking so many generational curses, my great-great-great grandchildren will seek, maintain, and spread joy.  Make an effort to implement joy into your day.  It could just be a trip to Starbucks, or a walk in the park, whatever it is, do it and do it consistently.

Building joy and maintaining your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

I Partied On A Yacht

 and this is all I got:

We couldn't sail because the "generators were down", so we stayed anchored and stationary, except for the occasional rocking from a strong wave or two.  Nevertheless, we had a ball.  We drank, he smoked (I quit months ago, and surprisingly, no withdrawals considering how often I was indulging), danced, 

kissed, and genuinely enjoyed each other's company.

It's been so long for me.  To let myself go and have a good time.  I'm always bracing for the blow, something good and perfect is happening soooooo when's the bullshit going to begin?  

I'm learning if you expect the worse (even if you don't deserve it), that's exactly what you're going to get.  The absolute worse.  It's like the Universe is like: You want a bad time? Hold my beer......

So now, I'm only expecting the good things, not going to keep sabotaging my happiness because I feel like I don't deserve it. I deserve good things, and so do you.  Like sailing (or not) on yachts with someone you love, getting tipsy, and kissing like you did those first few dates in the beginning.  That stationary yacht brought back so much passion, I don't even care that we didn't sail away, in my mind, it took us to a destination we haven't been to in years...

P.S. I promise to start getting better pics y'all (*crosses fingers)

For Clarification Purposes Only

 As I get older, I've noticed that I have very little patience for quite a few things, and lying is at the top of my list.  Deception of any kind is offensive, and I'd rather not be exposed to it.  I respect truth and honesty.  It makes everyone involved feel secure, considered, and valued.

Do you remember as a kid, all the lies you believed (i.e., Santa, absentee parent's excuses, WWE, family dynamics, fairytales) and how you felt when you finally found out the truth? Hurt, dismayed, even a little angry.  Folks taking advantage of your blind trust and naivety, it's a lot to process. 

Happened to me again much later in life, and when it did, it was a horrible blow.  I trusted more than I should've, I believed in someone who wanted to step away from their role for reasons only they really knew...

So now, to save myself from those same terrible feelings, I ask all kinds of questions.  Irritating, repetitive ones, uncomfortable ones, not caring one bit.  My trust has been destroyed, which is very uncomfortable, so I guess we're both dealing with some things we don't really want to, but such is life.

The other day, I was in an interrogative mood, I needed answers, and I stopped myself.  I'm learning that asking a thousand questions (of which 998 I already know the answer to) will not bring back the trust that was lost.  In the end, it'll drive you both crazy and all you'll have is a whole bunch of answered questions when all you wanted was to feel like you did before the betrayal. 

After the mood subsided (a little), I went outside to get some air and saw the sky, so beautiful, multi-colored, and in full view.  If I was still inside, asking all them questions, I would've missed this, which is what usually happens when you put too much focus on the wrong things, you miss the right ones.....

If You Don't, Then Who Will?

 I'm not sure why I ever fell out of love with myself, or when, but it happened.  About a year ago, I fell into a deep depression.  I didn't eat, slept a lot, and smoked weed all day.  This has happened before, and usually, I'll stay away from everyone, heal and deal until the depression leaves.

A few times, I got something prescribed to help me eat and think clearer, other times, I'd just take a break from all the stressful people, places, and things, and in a few weeks, the bad feelings would subside.  This time, not so much.  It got so bad, I was afraid.  It felt like I wasn't coming back from this one.  It was deep, lingering, and hard to understand.  I felt lost and alone.  I didn't want to be here anymore.

Finding help is hard sometimes, black women are incompetent, as far as the health care system is concerned, and most of your family doesn't understand.  So here comes alienation and desperation.  And you tell yourself that you have to deal with this alone.

We're viewed as strong and resilient, so everyone thinks you'll get over it soon, or at least you should.  I remember being ridiculed by family members because I'd lost so much weight.  Not one person asked what was wrong, they didn't help my situation at all, which is why I usually stay to myself.  

While I was on the mend, my husband did and said some pretty hard to forgive things. He was going through a lot, and couldn't deal. The drama didn't stop because I was ill, it seemed to get worse....

But GOD....

I turned to prayer, I turned to an awesome Pastor, who helped me, even though I'm not a member of his church.  Who reminded me that God gives peace and hope beyond understanding.  I got some meds, I read His word, and I feel like a new person.  Because I am (in a way).

This post isn't a push towards what I believe in, or religion at all.  It's about loving yourself enough to fight when there is no fight left.  When you feel no love or support from the very people you should, you have to look inward.  Love yourself.  You are worthy of love.  Find hope. Get the help you need, fall in love with you at your most weakest and vulnerable.  

I promised myself to never fall so low, to see the darkness coming and what triggers it.  Enforce my boundaries, no matter who it is. Take time out for yourself, gain peace in your home and your surroundings.  Leave people alone who make you feel less (happiness, peace, stability, support).  Fight for and find happiness because I deserve nothing less.  And there is nothing weak about depression and mental illness, we are all battling something, and it makes you stronger and wiser and prepared for the next battle.  I love you, because I love me, and if you're going through something, please seek help, you deserve it. 

These are for you (and me, when I forget, because sometimes, I do):

mindjournal.com

Cultured AF

 Happy August! Remember I had told y'all I was living my life right?  Doing the things that I like to do because it's time.  Not wasting anything precious anymore like love, time, and energy.  Going places, seeing people, doing shit, my only goals for my remainder here on earth.

Big job, tough job, but we're always ready to put in so much effort into any and every thing but ourselves.  Well, I ain't doing that ghetto mess no more.  I'm making moves for me.  Nobody has to understand it but me.  I'm so serious about this decision,  so everything I do/experience, big or small, will be here, I'm sharing, caring, and daring (you) to do the same.

Okay, so I went to one of my favorite places in my city, Dabls Mbad African Bead Museum, to take in the beauty and creativity.  It's constantly changing, with some things staying the same (such is life), like the materials that are used- wood, metal, and glass (mirrors).  I see something different each time.  So much to see (appreciate) and it's open to the public.  One of the most fascinating art installations I've seen.  You can read more about this art and its creator here.

I took some pics and enjoyed myself, which is always the goal....

Roll.....Bounce

 

Skate Park

This past weekend, I did a few things.  Fun things.  Things that made me smile.  I even laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks, outside on a date, near a riverwalk.  I didn't take enough pics, but that usually happens when I'm having a good time.  I have to learn how to grab my phone and record and take pictures, for memory's sake.  What's a good story without some good pictures?

I rollered.  I skated.

Anyways, I've started, and that's all that matters.  There were a few bad moments, my husband and I are dealing with some trust issues, and we're working on it, and through it, sometimes that's a very difficult task.  But he's human, and so am I, so we're honestly doing the best we can with what we have.

Rolling with the punches is definitely a part of life, especially mine.  I'm still learning that everything doesn't require a response, and that time and energy can be applied elsewhere.  I'm trying y'all, I really am.  But again, human, so yeah.....

I got up Sunday morning and went to a skate park not too far from my house.  I put on my roller skates and found my balance (it's been a while), played some 80's R&B, and did a few laps.  I enjoyed every minute, even the minutes when I almost fell on my ass, or my knees. So much like my life- finding balance before I fall.  Relearning how to do some old things a new way, in a new environment, not being afraid.

Feel Free

to live vicariously through me, until you give yourself permission to take a little time for yourself to live life.  In a previous post, I shared that I was completely over wasting my days.  Not taking anytime for myself to enjoy my life, which is all I want to do from now on.

I've made a list of people I want to see, places I want to go, and things I want to do.  Some are bigger, wilder, more vibrant than others, but I want to experience them all the same.  Some I will do alone, others with the people I love, a few with total strangers.

Stepping out of my comfort zones is a challenge, but it's one that I welcome.  I'm so excited to begin this new journey, this isn't really an announcement, it's a promise to myself (and y'all) to stop dreaming and wishing and start doing and living.

This is your free ticket to my monologue, I hope you get some great inspiration and a little motivation. A little nudge is sometimes all it takes.. (*gently pushing your shoulder)

vicarious

adjective

vi·​car·​i·​ous vī-ˈker-ē-əs  

və-

1

: experienced or realized through imaginative or sympathetic participation in the experience of another.....

Everything, Something, Nothing

 Not being at this Beyonce concert tonight has me all up in my feelings.  Why am I not there? I'm so over allowing days to go by and not really doing much at all.  It's usually this time of the night when I realize that I did nothing.  Then, of course, I think about all the things I could've/should've done, and I feel bad, guilty, somewhere in between.

I'm done. It ends today.  No more waiting and wasting.  Time is a commodity that I've squandered, and honestly, I'm embarrassed y'all.  I want memories, I desire experiences that will create fantastic stories to be told to my grandkids.

Concerts, brunches, festivals, art shows, and road trips.   I promise (myself and you), that the effort to make memories will be daily.  So much to see and do, and it's high time I did.

I will return to this post each time I fall into my old habits of tv show binges and moods that keep me in my room for weeks at a time.  Sun rays that'll tan my skin, flowers that will be picked, mimosas that will be sipped.  I'm getting excited just thinking about it all.  So much to do in my city, I should be ashamed, and I am.  

Very soon, my escapades will begin, make sure you tune in....

Monica Had Said It Years Ago (She's a She-Ro)

 Monica, the soulful, women's anthem singing phenom, was in my city this past weekend, and this queen intervened during a concert here, to stop an altercation in the crowd.  This woman jumped into the crowd, to stop what was happening!  

Her celebrity, her own safety risked, she only saw another woman in need, and immediately got involved.  We need more like her.  Get involved, help a sister in need.  I already loved this fierce sister, for her relatable hits,  her relatable life experiences that she shares with us, and not to mention, her fashion sense is beyond fierce!  Check out her Instagram.

What made me a huge fan, was her song: Don't Take It Personal (Just One of 'dem Days), where she's just asking for a little alone time, and don't take it personal boo, it's me, not you.  I can totally relate.  Honestly, I enjoy my own company, as most introverts do.  Being alone has never made me feel lonely, I use my alone time for reflection and rest, my own R&R. 

Sometimes, you need to be by yourself, with your thoughts and feelings that need to be sorted out, it's nothing personal, it's just a necessary part of life (mine anyway).  No distractions wanted, I have a lot on my mind, and I need just a little peace and solitude. It ain't you, it's definitely me.  Thankfully, I have self-awareness, sending signals, letting me know: girl, get you some time alone.  Go be by yourself.  Your misery does not like any company.

I want to thank Monica for her sheroism in and out of the recording studio.  This song is dedicated to anyone I may have hurt or offended being in a mood.  Don't take it personal baby.....