If You Don't, Then Who Will?

 I'm not sure why I ever fell out of love with myself, or when, but it happened.  About a year ago, I fell into a deep depression.  I didn't eat, slept a lot, and smoked weed all day.  This has happened before, and usually, I'll stay away from everyone, heal and deal until the depression leaves.

A few times, I got something prescribed to help me eat and think clearer, other times, I'd just take a break from all the stressful people, places, and things, and in a few weeks, the bad feelings would subside.  This time, not so much.  It got so bad, I was afraid.  It felt like I wasn't coming back from this one.  It was deep, lingering, and hard to understand.  I felt lost and alone.  I didn't want to be here anymore.

Finding help is hard sometimes, black women are incompetent, as far as the health care system is concerned, and most of your family doesn't understand.  So here comes alienation and desperation.  And you tell yourself that you have to deal with this alone.

We're viewed as strong and resilient, so everyone thinks you'll get over it soon, or at least you should.  I remember being ridiculed by family members because I'd lost so much weight.  Not one person asked what was wrong, they didn't help my situation at all, which is why I usually stay to myself.  

While I was on the mend, my husband did and said some pretty hard to forgive things. He was going through a lot, and couldn't deal. The drama didn't stop because I was ill, it seemed to get worse....

But GOD....

I turned to prayer, I turned to an awesome Pastor, who helped me, even though I'm not a member of his church.  Who reminded me that God gives peace and hope beyond understanding.  I got some meds, I read His word, and I feel like a new person.  Because I am (in a way).

This post isn't a push towards what I believe in, or religion at all.  It's about loving yourself enough to fight when there is no fight left.  When you feel no love or support from the very people you should, you have to look inward.  Love yourself.  You are worthy of love.  Find hope. Get the help you need, fall in love with you at your most weakest and vulnerable.  

I promised myself to never fall so low, to see the darkness coming and what triggers it.  Enforce my boundaries, no matter who it is. Take time out for yourself, gain peace in your home and your surroundings.  Leave people alone who make you feel less (happiness, peace, stability, support).  Fight for and find happiness because I deserve nothing less.  And there is nothing weak about depression and mental illness, we are all battling something, and it makes you stronger and wiser and prepared for the next battle.  I love you, because I love me, and if you're going through something, please seek help, you deserve it. 

These are for you (and me, when I forget, because sometimes, I do):

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